You’re sick of dating guys who only want women who are sexually present and emotionally open. You’ve worked hard to amass the kind of assets you have. It’s about time you met a man who will stop caring about trust and spiritual connections and mutually erotic understanding and who’ll realize that you being loaded is enough.
“Are you out there?” you whisper to your God’s eye view of Central Park. “Do you exist, my Prince?”
You decided long ago to stop working on your personality so you could work on climbing the corporate ladder. Dammit, you destroyed a lot of promising careers to get where you are today, and you should be able to celebrate with a man who doesn’t expect you to make conversation with him at dinner or remember what his cat’s name is.
You deserve a man who loves you for what you can buy, not who you are.
“Are you out there?”
“Ma’am, will you need anything else?”
You didn’t realize your pregnant assistant was in the room. She observed you in a moment of weakness so you’ll have to fire her immediately.
“Pack your things, Grace,” tell her.
As your assistant sobs into a cardboard box, try to squint to make out the men on the streets below. Any one of them could be the one who doesn’t care what kind of person you are inside. It could be Grace’s husband even.
“Leave the picture of your husband, Grace,” tell Grace.
When Grace is gone, masturbate to the picture of her husband, then call HR and ask for her spouse’s number so you can call and ask him if he’d like to hear about a way he can support his soon-to-be-born child now that his wife is unemployed. You deserve a man like Grace’s husband.
Happy Look Out The Window Of Your 60th Floor Corner Office And Wonder If There’s Someone Out There Who’ll Love You For Your Money Day!
Go on a game show called Wife And Mother for your chance to win a husband and some kids as well as a lifetime wardrobe for each provided by Kohl’s. The husband is guaranteed to be moderately giving in bed, mildly expressive emotionally, and he’ll only hit you twice over your thirty plus years of marriage, the second time sending him into AA. Your kids are guaranteed to be B students with manageable depression, though the genetic trail shows there is a small chance that one of them could grow up to be a serial killer. If you don’t like your husband or any of your kids, just whisper the word “disemploy” into the offending family member’s ear and he or she will take their own life in as sanitary a manner possible (not chargeable as murder in every state but Georgia). If any of your kids shows signs of being a serial killer do not go to the police. Call Dr. Sohlzenyetzn immediately and leave a recording of all warning signs currently being exhibited. Your husband will be guaranteed to be faithful under penalty of termination. If the sensors under his skin detect his presence inside another woman or man, his heartbeat will slow, gradually depriving blood to his brain, sending him into a coma, then death. Your children will not have gluten allergies, peanut allergies, nor will they have any strong leanings politically. One finger on the left hand of each child will be a weapon prototype in beta testing. Your husband and children will not be robots. They will be real humans according to the definition agreed upon by eleven scientists. Their modifications are minor improvements and no one will be able to deny them the equal rights afforded to all humans under American law.
“Do you understand your potential prize as I’ve explained it to you?” host Jack Slacks will ask you when the wheel stops spinning.
“Yes I do, Jack,” tell him. “And I’m ready to go for ALL THE MARBLES!”
Happy Win A Husband And Some Kids Day!
You can hear the screams of the man who gave you the ride in his truck being hacked to death upstairs. You only have a few minutes before the men in the burlap masks come downstairs for you.
“These ropes have some give,” you’ll say.
“But not enough for us to wriggle free,” Jeff will say.
But they do have enough give for you two to kiss, and you both know it. You and Jeff came out to these woods for a camping trip before you move away to the west coast. You’ve been platonic friends since college and everyone has been waiting for the two of you to finally just do it already to see whether you two doing it is the right thing to do.
“Maybe if we shimmy around under these ropes we’ll loosen them in time to make a run for it,” Jeff will say.
“But what if we don’t loosen them in time?”
Just kiss for God’s sake. The inbred backwoods killers who abducted you when you asked for directions could come downstairs and chop you up for soup any second now. If you spend all your time trying to escape and you’re not successful, you could end up dying a will-they won’t-they couple who never bothered to find out whether you will or won’t. Use what little wiggle room you have in those ropes to kiss and you’ll at least die knowing whether you found the one.
“Wait,” Jeff will say. “There’s something I think we should do.”
“I think we should too,” tell him.
Bend your neck around the pole and stretch against the ropes and put your lips on Jeff’s. You’ll feel a dim current pulse through your chest, and when you both begin moving your lips for a second kiss, and a third, that dim current will turn to a lightning bolt.
It was him all along.
It was you all along.
Your friend was your love and your love is your friend. The ropes won’t let you embrace, but you don’t need to hold each other. The grip of your newly-discovered love is stronger than any embrace you could create with your bodies.
“Now we know,” Jeff will say.
You’ll kiss away a tear that fell from your eye onto his lip.
“Now we know,” you’ll say.
“Let’s get out of here,” Jeff will say.
With the strength of your love, you and Jeff will wriggle and push at the ropes for a few seconds, but you’ll be interrupted when the killers come downstairs and untie you both to bring you upstairs and lay you down on their butcher table so you can be hacked to death, side-by-side, both of you screaming in agony and delirious in the throes of magical, wonderful, brand new love.
Happy Your Ropes Are Loose Enough For You Two To Kiss Day!
Got a sick buddy? Go to his sick bed and tell him about you and his wife. Tell him about the cheating, the sneaking around, the hiding in his closet when he came home early. Even if nothing happened, tell him what you wish would have happened had his wife been attracted to you in the slightest. Tell him about the fantasies, the Facebook pictures you’d print out and tape up in your shower, the undergarments you stole from her dresser when you slipped away during his dinner parties. Your buddy will appreciate your honesty, and if he survives this mild cold, your friendship will be the better for it.
Happy Sick Buddy Day!
Get nude then go under the covers feet first.
Put your hands on your favorite part of the other person. If you are okay with kissing (most aren’t) kiss.
Ask each other about each other’s tattoos. Say one of yours has something to do with a friend who died. Cry a little.
Yank or punch your least favorite part of the other person. They should be doing the same to you. Tell each other what disgusts you about each other. It’s time to break out the smoothies.
Smoothies are a treat for people who are performing well in bed so if your partner isn’t performing satisfactorily, withhold their smoothie.
Turn on an action movie at full volume then penetrate each other in some fashion ( the ways) screaming as loud as you like because of the action movie.
When you both stop screaming, pull yourselves apart and turn off the action movie unless it’s “Heat.”
Load and cock your handguns and stuff them under your respective pillows. Turn on the video camera and turn off the light. Tell each other something nice so you each dream about nice things (kittens, health insurance).
Fall asleep. When you wake up review the video recording to see if any wraiths entered the room to try and steal your fingernails while you were asleep again. Don’t speak to each other in the morning. You’ll only give voice to your shame.
Happy Sleeping In The Same Bed As Another Person Day!
1. Arrive late so everyone’s wondering if it was just too much for you. Not so late that they start without you, but late enough that the church is full enough for people to start talking.
2. What you wear is important. If you plan to make a big, shocking announcement about how you never loved him and the honest thing to do would have been to break up with him but you didn’t so he died loving a liar, wear jeans and a tee shirt and make sure you show up wet from the rain. If it’s nice out, walk through a car wash. But don’t tell anyone you walked through a car wash if they ask why you’re all wet. Tell them, “I felt dirty so I stood under the shower for a while.” If you did love him and you don’t plan to make a big shocking announcement, black dress?
3. Who you show up with is important too. If he and your Dad fought a lot, show up on your Dad’s arm. If you slept with his best friend last night because you wanted to be close to someone who loved him just as much as you did, show up on your Dad’s arm anyway. His best friend will be upset that you didn’t want to show up to the funeral with him. At the reception, his best friend will tell you last night was very important to him because he always secretly loved you and he wants you two to try to make it happen. Tell him, “You’re not [DEAD BOYFRIEND’S NAME].”
4. Where to sit in the church: Pew 6, stage left, three seats from the aisle. No one will see it coming.
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