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The great friendships recorded in history have been between men, and friendships
among men have often been romanticized and idealized. Men's friendships
have typically been described in terms of bravery and physical sacrifice
in providing assistance to others. Hardly ever do these historical accounts
celebrate interpersonal relationships characterized by closeness and compassion
for other men. Bell claims that, "This has been so because masculine values
have made those kinds of feelings inappropriate and highly suspect--they
were unmanly" (1981, p. 75). Despite this historical romanticization of
the male friendship, researchers have found that men have significantly
fewer friends than women, especially close friendships or best friends
(Bell, 1981; Block, 1980; Fasteau, 1991; Smith, 1983).Although the majority
of men may not have close friends they do not conduct their lives in isolation.
Block (1980) found that most of the men in his study had a variety of same-sex
relationships. These include what Block calls "activity friends," such
as a weekly tennis partner or drinking buddies; "convenience friends" where
the relationship is based on the exchange of favors; and "mentor friends"
typically between a younger and an older man.
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of homosexuality (Fasteau, 1991; McGill, 1985; Miller, 1983).
In a discussion of gender differences in friendship, Sherrod (1989),
points out that although men rate their friendship as less intimate than
do women, at least in terms of self-disclosure and emotional expressiveness,
men's friendships nevertheless serve to buffer stress and reduce depression
in the same way that women's friendships do. Sherrod also reports that
when men do achieve a high level of intimacy with other men, they usually
follow a different path than women, one that emphasizes activities and
companionship over self-disclosure and emotional expressiveness.
Friendships Between Men and Women
Studies indicate that male-female friendships are less common than same-gender
friendships. This is especially true for married people or couples, where
friendships across the gender line are much less common than among single
people (Bell, 1981; Block, 1980; Rubin, 1985). Most studies indicate that
this is primarily due to possessiveness and jealousy that often characterizes
sexual relationships and coupled life (Block, 1980; McGill, 1985; Rubin,
1985).
In his study, Bell (1981) discusses what he describes as an emerging
"new pattern" in cross-gender friendship: "Men turn more to women for close
relationships, and relationships with other men are less stressed as the
only 'real' friendships" (Bell, 1981, p. 112). Rubin (1985) found similar
trends. Some of the men in her study describe how a friendship with a woman
provides them with nurturance and intimacy, that generally is not available
in their friendships with other men. The women in Rubin's study share this
view and most of them agree that in their friendships with men, they are
the ones who listen and nurture. The vast majority of women, however, report
that their friendships with men are less intimate than their relationships
with other women. For their most intimate friendships, women turn to each
other.
Gender Patterns in Friendships Between People With and Without Disabilities
There are at least two reasons why friendships between people with and
without disabilities are seen as important for the person with the disability.
First, it is generally assumed that such relationships will serve as the
basis for some of the social, emotional, and practical support people with
disabilities need in order to become truly integrated into the fabric of
everyday community life. Second, many people regard social relationships
with ordinary community members as the measure, or even the ultimate goal,
of people's integration into community life (Hutchison, 1990; Knoll &
Ford, 1987).
As with friendships in the general population, friendships between people
with and without disabilities are also organized by gender relations, but
instead of three major gender patterns, one pattern seems to be most common:
friendship between nondisabled women and people (men and women) with disabilities.
Friendship patterns that include nondisabled men seem to be less common.
Women and People with Disabilities
Although there are no conclusive studies available to determine the gender
patterns in friendships between people with and without disabilities, the
literature indicates strongly that women tend to be overrepresented as
friends of people with disabilities (Hutchison, 1990; Kishi, 1988; Krauss,
Seltzer, & Goodman, 1992; Peck, Donaldson, & Pezzoli, 1990; Voeltz,
1980, 1982). The expectation that friends of people with disabilities will
provide practical, emotional, and social support is probably one reason
why women are more inclined to enter such friendships than men. The differences
in men's and women's orientation toward friendships in general indicate
that women would be more likely than men to provide such support. Women
approach friendships in a way that is characterized by acceptance, intimacy,
and support. Further, women have traditionally been assigned the role of
helper, nurturer, and caretaker. Therefore, establishing a friendship with
a person with a disability falls within the realm of women's traditional
roles, as well as within the tradition of female friendships.
As part of a qualitative study of women in caring roles, I interviewed
and observed nondisabled women in friendships with people with disabilities.
The women in this study usually highlighted the emotional aspects when
they described their friendships with both women and men with disabilities.
These friendships were often characterized by an unusual amount of support
provided by the nondisabled women, and the considerable amount of work
it usually requires to spend time with their friends. These characteristics
set these friendships apart from friendships in the general population,
where friendships are likely to have a closer resemblance to the culturally
dominant ideal of friendship as a reciprocal relation between equals.
Within friendships in general, reciprocity is viewed as a balance of
contribution and benefit; both parties feel that their contribution to
the relationship is fairly balanced by what they get out of it. In their
account of friendships between women with disabilities and non-disabled
women, including the friendship between themselves, Fisher and Galler (1988)
write:
-
Although this marketplace image of social life has been criticized on
the grounds that the intimate feelings shared by friends transcend such
trade-offs, some desire for reciprocity seems to have played a part in
the friendships of all the women we spoke to--as well as in our own (p.
179-180).
The friends in my study also strive for some level of reciprocity in their
friendships. Creating such a balance, however, is difficult for people
with severe disabilities who need a significant amount of support from
their friends.
Most of the women in this study have made a broad commitment to their
friends with disabilities. Most of their friends have few means to reciprocate
the support other than love, affection, intimacy, and emotional comfort.
Because these are qualities women seek and value in their friendships,
women will be more likely than men to recognize these as important contributions,
which makes it easier, at least for some people with disabilities, to create
a balanced friendship with women.
Men and People With Disabilities
Nondisabled men seem to be less likely than their female counterparts to
establish friendships with people with disabilities. There are, of course,
nondisabled men who have close friendships with people with disabilities
(Perske, 1988), but these seem to be the exception rather than the rule.
In my study, I found a number of barriers that hinder the establishment
of friendships between nondisabled men and people with disabilities, especially
the expectation that nondisabled friends will provide emotional support
or personal care to their friends with disabilities.Unlike women, men usually
have little practice in providing such tending-type assistance. In addition,
the taboos around emotional and physical closeness within male friendships
can make it difficult for men to provide such assistance to their male
friends with disabilities. The fear many heterosexual men have of being
thought of as homosexual may also be at work here, as may the fear of being
suspected of sexual abuse of a woman friend with disabilities.
During participant observations in human service organizations I encountered
a small number of nondisabled men who have established friendships with
people with disabilities. The overwhelming majority of these friendships
are between men. Like with the women, most of the nondisabled men met their
friends through involvement in the field of disabilities. In most instances
the nondisabled man is a current or former staff member in service programs
serving their friend with the disability.
A large proportion of these nondisabled male friends are nontraditional
in some sense, and some of them openly challenge the conventional masculinity.
For example, more than half of these men are homosexual, and one of the
heterosexual men is very active in the peace movement and fights against
militarism and other forms of traditional masculinity. Part of this study
took place during the "Desert Storm" operation in the Persian Gulf, and
this man was among the leaders in the opposition against this military
operation in his community.
Most of the friendships between men with and without disabilities have
characteristics similar to friendships between men in the general population.
These are typically friendships that center around particular activities,
like going to sports events. If the man provides assistance to the friend
with the disability, the support is most often of practical nature. The
most common support is to provide the friend with transportation to certain
events such as church or to sports events. These friendships are usually
not broad based or characterized by emotional intimacy. Sometimes a woman
introduces the men to each other, and women are often instrumental in keeping
the relationship going.
Summary
Gender is a major organizer of friendship, both in the general population
and in friendship between people with and without disabilities. However,
when the gender patterns are compared it becomes apparent that friendship
between people with and without disabilities do not follow normative friendship
patterns. Instead of the culturally normative pattern where friendships
are mostly confined within gender, people with disabilities (males as well
as females) who do have friends, tend to have nondisabled women friends.
I have argued that the social organization of friendships between people
with and without disabilities is highly gendered, in such a way that women
will be more likely, than men, to establish such friendships. When women
establish a friendship with a person with a disability they are following
a long tradition of women's relationships characterized by caring and nurturance.
By the same token, the social construction of friendships between people
with and without disabilities creates a number of barriers for nondisabled
men in establishing such friendships.
References
Bell, R. R. (1981). Worlds of friendships. Beverly Hills,
CA: Sage Publications.
Block, J. D. (1980). Friendship: How to give it, how to get it.
NewYork: Collier Books.
Fasteau, M. .F. (1991). Friendships among men. In E. Ashton-Jones&
G. A. Olson (Eds.) The gender reader. Boston: Allyn and Bacon.
Fisher, B. & Galler, R. (1988). Friendship and fairness: Howdisability
affects friendship between women. In M. Fine & A. Asch (Eds.) Women
with disabilities: Essays in psychology, culture, and politics.
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